


no way to buy my bread

by seashadows



Series: Crowley the Camdemon [3]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: AKA the camdemon threequel, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blow Jobs, Cuddling & Snuggling, Don't copy to another site, Established Relationship, Exhibitionism, Feathers & Featherplay, Frottage, Good Omens Lockdown, Hand Jobs, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Oral Sex, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rimming, Voice Kink, Voyeurism, book forum 3: son of book forum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:42:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24762535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seashadows/pseuds/seashadows
Summary: “Angel,” said Crowley, “I’m bored.”Aziraphale shifted on the couch and turned a page. “Then do something, dear.”(Aziraphale and Crowley decide to spice up their long, monotonous days with a return to certain erotic old habits.)
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Crowley the Camdemon [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1536730
Comments: 76
Kudos: 306





	no way to buy my bread

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bit of a treat for these uncertain times. This is canon divergence due to the fact that Aziraphale and Crowley don't canonically live with each other per Good Omens Lockdown. BOOOOOO! 
> 
> The title comes from...well, I think you all know by now. ;) 
> 
> Many thanks to goodnightmoonvale/JeanieNitro for beta-reading!

“Angel,” said Crowley, “I’m bored.”

Aziraphale shifted on the couch and turned a page. “Then do something, dear.”

“Can’t.” Crowley scooted so that his upper back lay on one armrest of the chair he was occupying, one leg thrown over the back with the supreme flexibility he was so proud of and the other bent on the other armrest. “I’ve gotten to the highest level of Angry Birds. I’ve written my memoirs. I’ve cleaned the flat from top to bottom thirteen times.” He extricated his hand from behind his head and began to count on his fingers. “I created that organization method for your books – _you’re welcome_ , even though I know you won’t use it. I’ve slept a lot. And…what else have I done? Oh, right – participated in all your baking.”

Aziraphale was trying not to smile, he could tell, but he had never been able to hide the crinkles around his eyes when he was happy or amused. Not around Crowley, at least. “I didn’t know it was possible to get to the highest level of any telephone game.”

Crowley scoffed. “Usually, but what’s the point of being a demon if you can’t do that?”

“I understand it’s tempting,” Aziraphale said, “but now it seems you’ve…what’s the expression? Shot yourself in the foot? If you want to play more games, why not try that one you showed me where one butchers the fruit with a machete?”

“Fruit Ninja is _the bomb dot com_ ,” Crowley insisted. “You’ve got no taste.”

“Oh, I think I do. You pretended it was an imposition, but you ate almost as much of my devil’s food cake as I did.”

Crowley let his head flop back and groaned. “Hoisted by my own petard.” Aziraphale was too good at using his knowledge of Crowley’s weaknesses. “Got any ideas yourself, clever cock?”

“The term is ‘clever clogs,’ Crowley.”

“Right, sure, because that’s not milquetoast or anything.” Crowley grinned at Aziraphale’s resulting huff. “My question stands.”

“You could edit your memoirs,” Aziraphale suggested. “Get them ready for publication or somesuch. I’m sure they would make an excellent novel, or at least a facsimile of a novel.”

“You read them?”

Aziraphale blinked behind his glasses. “Yes, of course. You gave me permission, didn’t you?” Crowley nodded. “I knew I remembered correctly. It was while you slept through Wednesday and Thursday last week. Riveting stuff, although it could use a bit of editing, if you want my opinion.”[1]

“Who says it does?”

“I do,” said Aziraphale with a badly-stifled giggle. “I don’t think people would take kindly to a chapter titled ‘Oh Yeah, And Then There Were All Those Times I Wreaked Havoc on the Continent.’”

Hearing the words spoken in Aziraphale’s primmest tone was almost too much for Crowley to bear. He clapped his hand over his mouth as his body shook with laughter he couldn’t suppress. “People go for all sorts of gimmicks these days, angel,” he said once he’d finished nearly vibrating off the chair. “But I don’t feel like doing that.”

“Mmm.” Aziraphale raised his eyebrows and flipped another page, the liar. Crowley _knew_ he hadn’t been reading for the past few minutes. “Well, we could do something naughty. You did call me ‘clever cock.’”

“Wouldn’t _you_ get bored?” Crowley asked. “We’ve already had sex. Forty-seven times.”

“I wouldn’t be bored.”

Crowley stroked his chin. “Hm. Okay, let me think.” He closed his eyes and idly kicked both feet. Sex was never really boring, not when Aziraphale was involved. And he was sure that if he used his imagination, he could come up with a fair few scenarios to – “Unholy _fuck_ , Aziraphale, what about the camera?”

“The…?”

“Aziraphale.” Crowley scrambled out of the chair and plopped down on the couch next to him. “We could make some videos. Wouldn’t that be great? We could make people smile.”

Aziraphale set his book carefully to the side and looked Crowley in the eye, his lips quirking. “Yes, dear,” he said, “smile and ejaculate.”

“What if they haven’t got those parts?”

“Mm. Well, I do know that there are fluids involved no matter the setup.”

Crowley would have facepalmed if he weren’t so distracted by ideas. “Study a fucking anatomy book, angel,” he said. “I know you’ve got some buried in the morass around here. So what do you say? I don’t mind if it’s a no, I just thought I’d float it.”

“We _elllll_.” Aziraphale patted his thighs. “Head on my lap, dear.” Crowley eagerly complied, and settled himself comfortably before kissing Aziraphale’s belly. “Oh, my. This isn’t a no, darling. I have to admit that it’s an appealing idea. We _have_ been rather idle.”

“Yeah?” Crowley luxuriated in the feeling of his head on Aziraphale’s thighs. It was his favorite position. “Okay. Cool. We can start thinking of stuff, then. Any ideas?”

“Not yet,” said Aziraphale, “but I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

* * *

_my angel loves me with his mouth_

“Really, darling, you needn’t have come up with such a florid title,” Aziraphale said. “Something along the lines of…being blown? Is that the term?”

“Yes.” Aziraphale was such a liar sometimes, and Crowley loved it. You didn’t live hundreds and hundreds of years in the center of the evolving English language and not learn what a blowjob was. “That’s what the term is, angel.”

“All right, then. Well, something along the lines of said term would have sufficed.”

Crowley laughed and spread out a little more on the couch. “Don’t be so pedantic,” he said. “Everyone likes a little romance. I _know_ you weren’t celibate when you joined the Hundred Guineas Club, and the men there used prose a hell of a lot purpler than mine.”

Aziraphale tutted. “Well, you don’t need to rub it in. I met some lovely fellows there.” He tickled Crowley’s belly, and grinned the world’s most evil smile when Crowley yelped and curled up. “Ticklish snake.”

“Better stop that, or this ssssnake won’t film with you,” Crowley grumbled. He knew he was pouting, but he also knew that Aziraphale was a champion pouter and wouldn’t fault him for it.

“Oh, don’t be like that, dear.” Aziraphale kissed him, slipping his tongue into Crowley’s mouth. “You know, I very much _would_ like to love you with my mouth. Your title wasn’t inaccurate. Shall we begin?”

“Gk,” said Crowley happily. “Yesssss.”

A small but significant amount of maneuvering later, Crowley was seated on the edge of the couch with his legs spread and Aziraphale kneeling in front of him, the camera positioned at a downward-facing angle behind Aziraphale’s right shoulder. “My, I do love this position,” said Aziraphale. “You deserve to feel good, and that’s what I intend to do for you, darling.”

He started by just _breathing_ on Crowley’s cock. The warm tease of it raised goosebumps on Crowley’s thighs and made him half-hard as Aziraphale blew breath after breath between his legs. “You smell good, too,” Aziraphale told him. “You always do.”

Crowley tried for a reply and ended up with a noise like a goose about to attack someone. That was going to take some editing. How could Aziraphale take away his ability to speak with just a compliment or two?

“Oh, yes,” Aziraphale said. “That’s what I thought.”

He moved on to kissing Crowley’s erection soon after, then further on to gentle sucks of his cockhead that quickly grew firmer and began to involve a lot more tongue. “Now, now,” he said as Crowley whined, setting his hands on Crowley’s thighs. That was an entirely different sort of tease. “I’ll finish you off soon. Be patient, dear. The journey is more important than the goal.”

Then he took him into his throat.

Aziraphale had blown him before. It wasn’t a rarity in their sex repertoire. But doing anything in front of the camera always seemed to multiply the sensation at least a hundred times, and Crowley dug his fingers into the nearest couch cushion so hard that he could feel a few threads pop under his nails. “Oh…ffff…” His hips bucked towards Aziraphale’s mouth.

“Mm-mm,” Aziraphale said, shaking his head. Crowley knew that meant he had to be patient. But it was hard to obey when Aziraphale swallowed around him, or when he started using his fingers to rub the base of his cock.

Crowley held off as long as he could, but it felt like only seconds before he came down Aziraphale’s throat with a long, loud cry. Aziraphale swallowed around him, squeezing his left thigh the whole time, and only pulled off when Crowley was well past orgasm and into oversensitivity. “You have an evil mouth, angel,” Crowley panted as Aziraphale let his cock slip out of his mouth. “I think…think you could start a war with it.”

“Why, thank you,” Aziraphale said. He laid his head on Crowley’s leg and gave him a kiss that made Crowley shiver. “You turned off the camera, yes?”

“Mm, yeah.” It looked like his newly-developed miracle to make the camera automatically shut off when the scene was over was working fine so far. If he could change it into an algorithm and leak it to computer science people, the possibilities were endless. But for now, he had better things to do. “Want to watch something on television?”

“Oh, yes.”

**_Dog-Eared: Everyone’s Favorite Book Forum_ **

**NSFW, Books and Otherwise**

_From A and C (renamed) – ALL FROM A TO C CONTENT GOES IN THIS THREAD._

**reply from: notmakingausernameforthisstupidsiteangel**

_hey ppl, 2day I got a new vid 4 u, hope u like it _😉 _angels a real sweetheart in it_

**reply from: its-a-me-mario [MODERATOR]**

_as a former English major: my eyes. They burn._

**reply from: shallicomparetheetoasummersmosquitobite**

_I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many comma splices packed into so small a space._

**reply from: i-can’t-believe-it’s-not-splutter**

_FFS, guys, focus! The pr0n is incredibly hot!_

**reply from: beatrice_and_benedickhead**

_you. gave. us. porn. during. isolation. I LOVE YOU._

**reply from: notmakingausernameforthisstupidsiteangel**

_taken but thnk u!_

**reply from: to-kill-a-lockingbird**

_I think @notmakingausernameforthisstupidsiteangel is chaotic evil, but jeeeeeezus christ, @Fell_From_Heaven is so good with his mouth. I’m not sure what to think, tbqh. Are they eldritch beings or something?_

**reply from: denny5**

_rofl I think they’re just like, shitposters or smth. ;p but he’s more like chaotic neutral_

**reply from: books_on_snape**

_@denny5 Yeah, chaotic neutral makes sense. He just…drops that in here and lets us fight over it, lol._

**reply from: to-kill-a-lockingbird**

_now I’m imagining @Fell_From_Heaven as a weird apparition who stands next to your bed and just stares. From A to C is an incubus, obviously._

“An _incubus?_ ”

“Angel, it’s a compliment,” Crowley said. “I’m flattered.” He took out his wings and ostentatiously preened a bit, enjoying the look on Aziraphale’s face. “And it’s kind of funny to think of you just standing there and staring at people while they sleep.” He pulled a face to demonstrate. “See? Creepy.”

Aziraphale flapped a hand at him. “Oh, Crowley, the things you come up with. Although I daresay my ex-employers would believe anything of me these days.” He chuckled. “Now, are you going to help me bake or not? I’ve _finally_ got my sourdough starter right where I want it, and I’m not going to waste a moment more.”

“You’re sure this time, right?” Crowley asked. “Because you almost choked me with the stink when you got the starter wrong.”

“Yes, I’m sure!” Aziraphale huffed. “And I _was_ going to put in an extra egg yolk so you’d find it appetizing, but if you’re going to be like that…”[2]

“Now don’t go putting words in my mouth,” Crowley said quickly. “I never said I wouldn’t help.”

Aziraphale beamed at him, sweet with an edge of devious evil. “Excellent, my sweet.”

_scenario: we do sensory play_

The blindfold over Crowley’s eyes was soft and furry – Aziraphale’s idea. The usual silk, Aziraphale claimed, wouldn’t work nearly as well to heighten the sensations of what they were about to do. And as usual, he’d been right. “Mmm,” Crowley said, shifting his hips at the teasing sensation just below his navel. “What’ve you got for me, angel?”

“I’ll tell you when I decide you’ve earned it,” Aziraphale said, and ran his implement over Crowley’s lower belly again. The feather was a stiff, satiny primary, and from the tingle of angelic energy on his skin, Crowley could tell it was from Aziraphale’s own wings. “What do you think it is? Tell me.”

That little shit. He knew how hard it was to talk when he touched Crowley’s – “ _Eep_ ,” Crowley squeaked as the feather passed over his cockhead. “Unnh. Um. A…a silk sssscarf?” Shit. Maybe he could pass the hiss off as an affectation if he got too lazy to edit.

“No, my dear, not even close.” Aziraphale stroked his inner thighs with the feather. “You’ll have to try again.”

“A – a snakeskin?”

“No. Where would I get a snakeskin, silly thing?” Aziraphale asked as he tickled his knees. “You’re getting colder. Do I need to take this away to remind you to use your clever head?”

Crowley gritted his teeth and frantically tried to think of things that would be within the realm of possibility and wouldn’t lead to him blurting out ‘angelic feather that feels so good I just might come if you touch my cock with it again.’ “A strip of fur,” he finally said.

“Oh, now that _is_ closer! Very good.” Aziraphale ran the feather down the center of Crowley’s chest slowly enough that it was torturous, then used the tip to tickle his way down the creases between his legs and his groin. “Your blindfold is furry, dear. This isn’t. But you were close enough that I think you deserve to be rewarded.” Then, just as Crowley hoped, he wrapped a warm hand around Crowley’s cock and gave him a single firm pull through his fist.

“Fuck!” The word was forced out of Crowley’s mouth. “Angel…”

“Such language,” Aziraphale tsked, and touched the feather to Crowley’s bottom lip before returning it to its previous task. “I do believe this is the hardest I’ve ever seen you.”

That was a lie, but Crowley was too tingly and sensitized to contest it. Aziraphale’s smooth, falsely-accented voice always seemed to fuck with his head when they made these videos, and he couldn’t have been happier about that. “I want to come, angel,” he said. “Will you let me come? Please?”

“I’ll make you feel even better after you guess what I’m using to make you feel good now,” Aziraphale answered. “How about another guess?”

Crowley briefly wondered whether Aziraphale would be annoyed with him if he guessed now. But then again, bollocks to that. He’d been teased more than long enough to make the viewers happy. “A feather,” he said. “A smooth feather. It feels amazing, angel.”

“Very good.” Aziraphale gently pushed back Crowley’s foreskin and touched the sensitive head underneath with the feather, running it lightly back and forth. “Goodness, you’re getting my feather all wet! You must want this very much.”

“I do,” Crowley groaned. The tingly feeling the feather brought out was even stronger on his cockhead. He had a minute left, tops, before he came. “Angel, I…I’m gonna…”

“Yes, please,” Aziraphale cooed. “I want you to.”

So Crowley did.

Once his brain was back in place, he discovered that Aziraphale was cuddling him. “That feels good,” he said, putting his hand on Aziraphale’s back. “Want me to do you now?”

“Oh, yes,” said Aziraphale, and jumped him for real.

_i take the lead_

They were kneading bread dough when Aziraphale brought up the subject. “Crowley,” Aziraphale said, “do you remember the…what was it called? Top-bottom arguments? Anyhow, whatever they were, they were very strange.”

“Top-bottom discourse,” Crowley corrected him. “And yeah, I remember it. That shite is annoying. A little funny, but annoying. Why?” He folded over his ball of dough and kneaded it. Aziraphale’s tiny kitchen – well, _their_ tiny kitchen – smelled like yeast and tasty things. If the egg wash made the crust as crispy as Aziraphale promised, he might have to eat some.

“An errant thought,” Aziraphale said, which Crowley knew was a lie. He only had to wait about two more minutes before Aziraphale revealed it, much to his delight. “Well, not exactly. I thought…you _do_ take a more submissive role in almost all of our videos, don’t you?”

“What about it?”

Aziraphale nudged him with his shoulder. “Knead harder, dear. You’re not going to break it. Anyway, I thought – what about a video where you take on the dominant role? Or simply lead things, if you’re more comfortable with that. It would make for an interesting change.”

Crowley did as he was told. “Huh. That’s an interesting idea.” He ground the heel of his hand into the dough. “So…what about a service top bit? I could have you lie back and be still while I did things to you. You’ve done it to me on camera before.”

“That sounds _wonderful_ ,” said Aziraphale. “If you’re a ‘service top’” – Crowley could practically hear the quotation marks – “then what am I? A receptive bottom?”

“I think you’d be called a bratty bottom, if you decided to be loud about it,” Crowley said. “Or a pillow princess. People like that just lie back and let their partners do everything to them.”

“Pillow princess!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “What about a – a pillow _principality?_ ” He snorted a laugh. “Oh, that’s rather funny. Would you like to make some plans after we’ve finished with the bread?”

The length of time it took to make the suggested plans was exactly as long as it took the dough to rise a second time. Aziraphale pushed Crowley’s head out of his lap – with a lot of protesting on Crowley’s part, because his angel was an amazing pillow – just long enough to go to the kitchen and, with a lot of clattering, put the bread in the oven. “That’s fortuitous timing,” he said when he came back.

“You know, we probably have time to film this before it’s time to pull that out,” Crowley answered. “Interested?”

Aziraphale took off his apron. “I absolutely am!” he said in delight. Crowley watched eagerly as a bulge rose beneath the fabric of his trousers. “Shall we get on the bed? I’d prefer to lie on my back.”

“Sure,” Crowley said. “Whatever you want, angel. I want you to be comfortable.”

Aziraphale was already making quick work of his clothes. Crowley envied him his years of experience; maybe if they’d gotten together a hundred years ago, _he_ would be just as good at undoing Aziraphale’s many buttons. “So we’ll play it by ear, then,” he said, “like we discussed. Are you certain you’re comfortable not knowing what I’ll ask you to do?”

“It’s exciting, angel,” Crowley replied, and gave his cock a warm-up rub through his pants. Aziraphale watched him hungrily. “Oh, you like that? Brilliant. I want to make you feel good.”

“You’re getting so wonderfully into character,” Aziraphale said, wiggling out of his trousers and pulling his arms out of his shirtsleeves. A snap later, his underwear was off and his clothes were neatly folded on the overstuffed armchair in the corner. “I still want to see you on the stage when this is all over, you know.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“Well, I _do_ ,” Aziraphale said, arranging his plumpest pillow under his head. “What would you like to wear? Clothing, or nothing? Or something special?”

“Think I’ll do this in the buff.” Crowley miracled his own clothes off and snapped his fingers to get the camera out. It was so much easier to be lazy than to walk all the way over to the closet and pick it up. Pissing Hell off with the miracles that showed up on the quarterly reports was just the icing on the cake. “You like my arse, angel?” He shook his rear end at Aziraphale. “I know there’s not much of it.”

Aziraphale tsked. “You stop that, Crowley,” he said. “You know I don’t like to hear you put yourself down, darling.”

Crowley walked over and kissed his cheek. Aziraphale smelled like yeast and cumin seed. “I don’t mean it,” he said. “I’m sorry I worried you. What do you say we get this show on the road?”

“There’s no show, Crowley.”

“Mad literalist.” Crowley gave him another kiss, then went to kneel at the foot of the bed. He never minded prostrating himself if it was for Aziraphale; it was the best sort of blasphemy, the best sort of worship. “Ready?”

Aziraphale nodded and snapped his fingers. Crowley caught the faint pulse of red light in the corner of his eye, cleared his throat, and closed his eyes to get into character for real.

He started by reaching out to touch Aziraphale’s ankle. “Hey, angel,” he said. “Noticed you were up here. Are you doing anything in particular?”

“Mmm…I don’t know.” Aziraphale’s falsely-accented voice was coy, and it sent shivers down Crowley’s spine. “I thought maybe I would lie here and have a nap. Did you have something else in mind, my dear?”

“You tell me.” Crowley squeezed Aziraphale’s plump calves. “All I see is my angel, laid out for me like a snack. I bet you took all your clothes off just so I would find you.”

“However did you know?”

“I know _you_.” Crowley kissed the tender inner side of Aziraphale’s right knee. “Why don’t you lie back and let me make you feel good? You’re so beautiful, I think you deserve it.”

Aziraphale spread his legs a little wider and shivered, letting out a happy noise. “My dearest.”

Crowley kissed his way up Aziraphale’s thighs, trying to push all the love he could muster out of his head and into Aziraphale’s. He still hadn’t figured out if Aziraphale could actually sense love or if that was just an affectation, but he wouldn’t stop trying to send him the message. “What do you want me to do for you?”

Aziraphale’s body vibrated with the force of his moan. “Mm, come up and kiss me first, dear,” he said. “Then I’ll give you your instructions.”

It was easy for Crowley to comply. He had angled the camera so that their faces wouldn’t be seen, as usual, but he knew that the viewers would hear everything. To that end, he made sure to kiss Aziraphale loudly and deeply, and did nothing to repress his own moans.

When he deemed Aziraphale well-kissed, Crowley pulled away, arching his back. “Please, angel,” he said, “tell me what you want.”

“I can’t decide.”

Crowley pressed kiss after kiss to the space between Aziraphale’s nipples. “ _Please_.”

“Oh, all right,” said Aziraphale in that same coquettish tone. “My dear, would you put your tongue inside me?”

Crowley’s whole body immediately went hot. That was something they’d done before, but not often. Fuck, if he’d known Aziraphale liked being rimmed so much…it wasn’t like they had to deal with the same grossness that humans did. “Of course,” he said. “That sounds so hot, angel. Thank you for asking me to do that for you.” He flicked his tongue over both of Aziraphale’s nipples in turn.

Aziraphale squeaked and clutched at Crowley’s hair. “Yes, yesyes _yes!_ ”

Crowley filed that response away under ‘things to bring up when Aziraphale was being insufferable,’ then made his way down Aziraphale’s body and spread his legs wide. “Bring your arse up for me,” he said, then bit Aziraphale’s left arsecheek when he obeyed.

“You devil!” Aziraphale scolded. “That wasn’t what I asked for!”

“I know.” Crowley reached out of the camera’s view as if to grab a pre-existing bottle of lube, then brought his arm back with a miracled container in his hand. “But I know you like it.”

“I do,” said Aziraphale, wiggling happily in place. “Oh, darling.” He reached down and spread himself wide, making Crowley groan and rub himself on the bedsheets. “I’m so eager for your tongue.”

Crowley still didn’t know how Aziraphale could sound so prim and yet so _wanting_ at the same time. “Hold still,” he said, and covered his fingers with lube. “Let me…” He slid two fingers inside Aziraphale and gloried in the noises his angel made as he crooked them up. “Got to get you ready first. I can’t use my tongue if you’re not ready for it yet.”

“I am,” Aziraphale panted. “Please, my dear.”

“You’re the boss,” said Crowley, withdrawing his fingers. “I’ll do whatever you say, angel.” Then he braced his hands on Aziraphale’s cheeks and got down to business.

Aziraphale was so wonderfully responsive that Crowley couldn’t help thrusting his hips forward at the same time as Aziraphale wailed and humped the air. He squeezed handfuls of Crowley’s hair so hard that it hurt, and Crowley wondered hazily why the heaven they didn’t do this more often. Not sex, because they had plenty of that, but –

“Oh!” Aziraphale cried, and interrupted his thoughts by coming. Crowley realized suddenly that he must have been going at it longer than he thought. Normally, he would have teased Aziraphale a little before he let him orgasm, but this was good, too. He pulled away from Aziraphale’s arse and rested his head on his thigh, wrapping a hand around his still-jerking cock and kissing him in time with each sound he made.

When his climax had been pulled out of him, Aziraphale sighed deeply, contentedly, and yanked Crowley back up for a forceful cuddle. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ve turned off the camera. This is private.”

“Good.”

“Mmmm.” Aziraphale crushed their lips together and licked his way into Crowley’s mouth. “How about you, my love? Shall I make you come?”

Crowley wouldn’t have believed that he _could_ get any harder if he hadn’t felt the proof throbbing between his legs. “Thought I was supposed to take the lead here.”

“Yes, well, that was the video. This is now.” Aziraphale made a fist around Crowley’s cock, slicked the area with a quick snap, and moved in long, warm strokes that made Crowley groan. “Like that, dear.”

Crowley hid his face in Aziraphale’s shoulder and let the pleasure take him as it would. It didn’t take long; getting Aziraphale off had turned him on to the point that Aziraphale barely had to touch him before he was shooting off himself.

Aziraphale cooed at him and held him close, stroking his back with his clean hand. And then he pulled away with a gasp. “Bugger! My bread!” He jumped out of bed with a speed that would do some of Crowley’s big cat-associated demon acquaintances proud.

“Angel!” Crowley called after him, laughing.

“I can’t have it burn!” Aziraphale shouted over his shoulder as he ran bare-arse naked out of the bedroom. “It’ll take forever to get the smell out of the oven, Crowley!”

Crowley snickered and lay back against the pillows, then deployed another miracle to clean himself and Aziraphale off. Maybe he was hungry for bread after all, since they’d just burned so much energy.[3]

**reply from: Fell_From_Heaven**

_Hello! How are you all on this fine morning? My dearest and I have made two more videos that you might enjoy. I hope that everyone is staying safe. _

**reply from: dastardlydecimalsystem**

_uh hi, long-time lurker first-time commenter, but oh my god_

_okay now I have to go watch the rest of your videos a ~~fifth~~ ~~tenth~~ second time_

**reply from: queeshmael_were_lovers [MODERATOR]**

_I missed my morning run for this. Worth it._

**reply from: to-kill-a-lockingbird**

_@Fell_From_Heaven it’s probably been brought up a million times already, but…the way you’ve started referring to him ever since you two got together for real is the most adorable thing. I love how it’s gone from ‘From A to C’ to ‘dearest’ or something along those lines._

_LOL. This is turning into an essay. I can’t believe I’m basically doing literary criticism for indie porn._

**reply from: readinginthemidnighthour**

_@to-kill-a-lockingbird this is way better than mainstream porn. they love eachother_

**reply from: beatrice_and_benedickhead**

_agreed_

**reply from: denny5**

_@Fell_From_Heaven just so you two know…i have a boyfriend now and it’s because i watched your videos + decided I’d never EVER settle for anything less than what you 2 have. you are gods or something._

**reply from: Fell_From_Heaven**

_@denny5 – congratulations, my dear fellow! We’re nowhere close to gods, but thank you very much for such a compliment._

**reply from: books_on_snape**

_@Fell_From_Heaven you come across as such a nice guy, but I bet you’re a really snarky bastard in real life. Not that that’s a bad thing. Snarky bastards rule and I say that as one of them._

“They’re right, you know,” Crowley said.

“Oh, hush.”

“No, really.” He slithered his way up the length of Aziraphale’s body and rested his snaky head on his shoulder. “Mind if I sssstay a while?”

Aziraphale pursed his lips. “I can’t tell if it’s stranger when you do give yourself eyelids in snake form or when you don’t,” he said.

Crowley flicked out his tongue and tickled Aziraphale’s chin. “Ssssnarky bastard.” He squirmed so that some of his scales rubbed against the smooth skin of Aziraphale’s neck. “I should’ve cuddled with you like this back in the Garden. Think you’d have liked it if I wrapped around you on the wall?”

“Certainly not,” said Aziraphale, petting down Crowley’s side with a gentle hand. “I would have been horrified, and rightly so. All I knew of you then was that you were the cause of Adam and Eve’s expulsion.”

“Didn’t ssstop you from eating from the Tree of Knowledge yourself.”

“Don’t remind me, miscreant,” Aziraphale said, his voice full of affection. “I do love you so very much, Crowley.”

Crowley gave himself eyelids and closed his eyes for a moment of relief from all the emotion. “Love you, too,” he said. “I don’t sssay this often enough, but – thanks for doing this with me. The videos, I mean.”

“You know, I never would have thought I’d make them even two years ago,” Aziraphale told him. “But now…well, I rather like the funny reactions. If Gabriel saw…” He laughed. “He’d be horrified by the ‘pornography.’” The last word sounded disturbingly Gabriel-esque. “He would faint dead away.”

“He deserves it.”

Aziraphale kissed the top of his head. “Hush, dear. We’ve already humiliated him enough.”

“Never enough,” Crowley grumbled.

“Hmph. That’s where we disagree, I suppose,” Aziraphale said. “Do you think you might like to make more videos?”

“Maybe one or two more.”

“Ah. Do you have any ideas?”

Crowley took a minute to think about it. “Now that you mention it, I might.”

_scenario: my angel gets a lap dance_

Crowley had taken the precaution of miracling the arms off his throne[4] before Aziraphale sat down in it. He knew from experience that trying to do this in a chair _with_ arms could lead to a lot of pain and an unsatisfied partner, and that was the last thing he wanted. “Ready, angel?” he called from partway across the room, adjusting the camera. “You look beautiful.”

“I look just the same as I always do,” Aziraphale said. “You’re sentimental today.”

“How can I not be, when you’re so gorgeoussss?” Crowley asked. He still couldn’t believe how lucky he was. Sometimes he could look at Aziraphale and get tongue-tied still. “Ready?”

“Yes.” Aziraphale sat up straighter. “Turn on the music, dear.”

Crowley snapped his fingers and their chosen music began to play.[5] Taking a deep breath, he smoothed back his hair and began to sway his hips as he came into view of the camera. “Hey, angel,” he said. “Didn’t expect to see you here. Were you waiting for me?”

“I might have been,” said Aziraphale, and fluttered his eyelashes, even though Crowley knew _he_ knew the camera wouldn’t pick it up. “Would you like to sit with me?”

“No,” said Crowley, “but I might want to sit _on_ you.” He sauntered a little closer. “What would you say to a lap dance? I’ll make it good.”

“I think so,” Aziraphale replied. “But whatever is a lap dance, my dear?”

Crowley gasped in affected surprise. “You mean you don’t know?”

“How could I?”

“Hmm. You do like to avoid that kind of thing.” Crowley came even closer and stood, legs spread, over Aziraphale’s thighs. “But…” He moved his hips to the beat and squatted until his arse barely touched Aziraphale’s lap. “This is how it starts.”

Aziraphale immediately put his hands on Crowley’s lower back. Crowley could tell without even looking that he was wiggling in the chair. “Goodness, that’s wonderfully literal. Lap dance.”

Crowley thought of the forum calling Aziraphale a mad literalist and suppressed a snicker. This was not the time. “Yeah,” he said, letting his voice go husky. “Could dance for you like this.” He pressed himself firmly down on Aziraphale’s thighs. “Do you like it?”

“My goodness, _yes_ ,” said Aziraphale, moving his hands to Crowley’s hips. They were so warm, even through the fabric of his jeans. Crowley moved his hips forward and satisfied himself that Aziraphale was getting one heaven of an erection. Excellent. “I do like having you dance on my lap.”

Crowley reached down and skillfully undid Aziraphale’s fly. He was getting pretty blessed good at doing it one-handed. “How about now?” he said, and lightly touched Aziraphale’s cock while his angel gasped. “Yeah?”

“ _Yes_.” Aziraphale put his other hand on the back of Crowley’s neck and kissed him. A second later, Crowley realized his jeans were open, too. He’d have to get back at Aziraphale later for distracting him. “You feel wonderful.”

Crowley moved his pelvis in a circle and hissed – in a semi-human way, thankfully – when his cock met Aziraphale’s. Sometimes it felt like nothing would ever beat good old-fashioned rubbing, no matter how great it felt when they did other things. “So do you.”

He wrapped his arms around Aziraphale. Despite the music, the whole thing was a lot less like dancing after that.

“You know,” Aziraphale said once he’d cleaned them up, “I see what you mean about the arms. I might have bruised something on one if you’d kept them on like I wanted.”

“That’s a lesson, angel,” Crowley answered, and perched himself more comfortably on Aziraphale’s lap. “Anything else you wanted to do today?”

“Nothing that I can think of, but I’m sure I’ll manage something,” said Aziraphale. “What about you?”

Crowley smiled and stretched both arms over his head. “This has been fun,” he said, “but I think I’d like to move on to something else for a while. Maybe you were right about the memoirs.”

“Oh!” Aziraphale beamed and gave Crowley a butterfly kiss, which made him squeak and squirm. “I’ll be your second editor, if you’d like.”

“Well, I guess you’ve read everything else in here,” Crowley teased. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

**reply from: throwaway_reader**

_is this seriously what these guys do all day?_

**reply from: denny5**

_dude, shut up. you don’t even go here._

* * *

[1] He’d called Aziraphale a comma fucker once, and Aziraphale beamed like it was the greatest of compliments.

[2] Crowley had once woken up with cravings and snarfed three eggs from the fridge in the middle of the night. He thought he’d seen movement out of the corner of his eye, but Aziraphale hadn’t said anything to him the next day. He preferred to think the culprit was a demon he’d scared off with his weird eating habits.

[3] It turned out that he was. The egg wash made the crust just as crispy as Aziraphale had promised.

[4] Aziraphale had come up with the term after the chair came with him when he moved. He wasn’t that much of an egotist. Seriously.

[5] Aziraphale had vetoed “Cherry Pie,” and Crowley had shot down classical music. This was somewhere in the middle.

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found at godihatethisfreakingcat on Tumblr.


End file.
